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What’s your damage, Fox TV?

The unthinkable has happened, and I hesitate to tell you about it because then you’ll be thinking these same wretched thoughts, too. But misery loves company, so ready yourself to be hit by the big, fat, yellow Truth Express:

Fox TV is turning “Heathers” — that acidic, twisted teen comedy classic from 1989 that inspired countless (and inferior) copies — into a television show.

Someone, please, pass me the Draino. I have nothing left to live for.

If that’s an overreaction, well, it isn’t much of one. Fox Television? All the great, edgy, risk-taking stations out there — Showtime and HBO, for starters — and Fox Television is the final answer? I shudder to think all the things that will be lost in translation from the big screen to a network TV station — the scalding one-liners, the hilariously creative use of profanity, the inventive death scenes, the beautiful, tragic satire of it all. Yes, I expect writer Mark Rizzo (who has served as a designer on “The Oprah Winfrey Show”!) and Producer Jenny Bicks (“Sex and the City,” which only makes me feel slightly less nauseated) will murder all the things that made this movie so incisive and wonderful.

Click here for the full story, and try to keep down your lunch. Remember, bulimia’s so 1987.


12 Responses

  1. yeah, I read about this day and my only response was “ugh, there is no way this show cannot be crap.”

    • Absolutely no way. The only way I’d support this idea at all is if the show was on HBO or Showtime.

  2. Who even thought that this was a good idea? Taking any film and crafting a TV series from it is probably a bad idea to begin with, but to do it with Heathers boggles my mind even further!

  3. Agreed. There is simply no way “Heathers” can translate into a television show! And a Fox TV show at that! I have to stop … I’m getting all vklempt!

  4. I’m personally offended by this notion. But I hate FOX anyway. They canceled The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Firefly, and I’m sure Dollhouse is only a half season away.

    The morons have no idea what they are doing.

    • Oh! Don’t even get me started on “Firefly”! That cancellation drilled a hole in my heart. Idiots, the lot of ’em!

  5. Well, on the upside, at least it’ll only last thirteen episodes, right?

    I’m trying to see an upside…

    • Way to go, Darren, for seeking a blessing in this garbage dump of a situation.

      I’m praying the “Heathers” show will suffer the fate “Wonderfalls” did NOT deserve: cancellation after just a few episodes. Kill the show, save the world.

  6. Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count.

    If they are going to “revive the original characters” (resurrect would be a better word for some of them) they are obviously going back to the start to retell the story. I don’t see how a black comedy about murder and suicide is going to work on primetime; I suspect it will turn out more like Mean Girls! If they try and make it like the film and get the timing/delivery wrong it will fall so flat. On a bright note I probably won’t make it past a pilot.

    The upside to cancelling Firefly. Firstly there is something special about there being so few episodes. Secondly, they unknowingly did us a favour; if it hadn’t been cancelled Serenity may never have been made. For my money the best Sci-Fi movie of the decade!

    • I will say that Fox has taken on some unusual shows — including “Wonderfalls” and “The Tick,” two of my favorites — and done good things with them. The problem, though, is that the network axes the shows the minute the viewership drops by the tiniest of tiny hairs. So even if this remake is fantastic (which I doubt with every fiber of my being), if there aren’t enough viewers it will get unceremoniously canned like these other good shows.

  7. Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Heathers is one of my all time favorite movies and to see it turned into a Fox tv show just about tears my heart out. At least now I know to prepare myself for the agony.

    • Even though I’m morally, spiritually and philosophically opposed to this show, I’ll have to watch at least the pilot to see how hideous it is. Maybe something crazy will happen and FOX will surprise me. But I doubt it.

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