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What’s your damage, Fox TV?

The unthinkable has happened, and I hesitate to tell you about it because then you’ll be thinking these same wretched thoughts, too. But misery loves company, so ready yourself to be hit by the big, fat, yellow Truth Express:

Fox TV is turning “Heathers” — that acidic, twisted teen comedy classic from 1989 that inspired countless (and inferior) copies — into a television show.

Someone, please, pass me the Draino. I have nothing left to live for.

If that’s an overreaction, well, it isn’t much of one. Fox Television? All the great, edgy, risk-taking stations out there — Showtime and HBO, for starters — and Fox Television is the final answer? I shudder to think all the things that will be lost in translation from the big screen to a network TV station — the scalding one-liners, the hilariously creative use of profanity, the inventive death scenes, the beautiful, tragic satire of it all. Yes, I expect writer Mark Rizzo (who has served as a designer on “The Oprah Winfrey Show”!) and Producer Jenny Bicks (“Sex and the City,” which only makes me feel slightly less nauseated) will murder all the things that made this movie so incisive and wonderful.

Click here for the full story, and try to keep down your lunch. Remember, bulimia’s so 1987.