Romeo, Romeo, text me wherefore thou art

YouTube is the supreme time waster (and you thought it was Wikipedia), but on occasion I stumble upon a video containing flashes of brilliance that manage to provoke thought and uproarious laughter. Enjoy … and, if you’re feeling chatty, suggest other movies you’d like to see infiltrated by the evil necessity that is cell phone technology.

And so I was inspired to come up with a few of my own suggestions:

• “Titanic” — What a world of difference one text from Jack to Rose could have made: “My husband’s an ass. U r young + hot. Let’s steal a lifeboat.”
• “Lord of the Rings” — One phone call from Sam to Frodo containing seven simple words could have saved us all so, so much suffering. And those seven words are: “F*ck the ring, Frodo. I love you.”
• “Sleeping with the Enemy” — If only someone at the Y could have given Laura fair warning with a “Your husband knows you can swim!,” she might have ditched small-town America for Brazil, where people really disappear every day, and sometimes right out of their cars at stoplights.
• “Citizen Kane” — Worker to reporter Jerry Thompson: “Rosebud’s his sled. I know; we just torched it.”
• “Vanilla Sky” — This one’s a little more clean-cut than the others: It merely involves me reading the proposed plot and phoning Cameron Crowe with this plea: “I will give you my first-born child if you do not make this movie.”
• “Atonement” — A distraught, saucer-eyed Briony  phones Mum to deliver a crucial message: “Robbie didn’t rape Cecilia. They just had sex. But you may want to wipe off the desk … and the bookshelves … before you touch them again.”