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Eureka! I found it (the worst movie ever made)

Last summer, I was certain I had found it. “It” it. The evil version of the Holy Grail for movie lovers.

That’s right, people — last summer I went to the theater and saw “Primeval,” what I believed to be the worst movie ever made. I christened this multi-million dollar steaming crap pile as such for several reasons, including: a) the acting (dreadful), b) the special effects (hideous), c) EXTREMELY MISLEADING trailers (if you’re a true crime fan and went to see “Primeval” because the ads dubbed it a movie about “the worst serial killer in history,” you feel my pain). So mad was I that I immediately wrote a review giving it an F, a review that involved me dog-earing the “awful” entry in my handy copy of Roget’s Thesaurus. (Who knew there were so many ways to say “craptactular”?)

Then, last Friday, I discovered how wrong I was. You see, I happened upon a copy of The Worst Movie Ever Made.

If you’ve never seen The Worst Movie Ever Made (and most people haven’t), consider yourself blessed. It surpasses one’s lowest expectations; it plumbs the depths of suck. This film is in possession of not one redeeming quality — the acting is bad, the direction is bad, the editing is bad, the dialogue is bad, the plot is bad. (The scenery — that would be York, S.C., and the picturesque Winthrop University campus — is the only good thing about this whole muddled mess of a film.) It is, in fact, so bad that there currently exists no word in Merriam-Webster — I know; I’ve checked — to describe just how devastatingly, excruciatingly abominable The Worst Movie Ever Made is. (OK, so maybe I did find a FEW words.)

Oh, you don’t believe me? Go ahead; put it in your Netflix queue and see for yourself. If you don’t believe it is the worst DTHM (Dead Teenager Horror Movie, that is) you’ve ever seen, I will personally eat the DVD.

Which, perhaps, would be a far more useful thing to do than ever, ever, EVER watch The Worst Movie Ever Made again.

(Let’s compare notes — send in your suggestions for The Worst Movie Ever Made. I’m always eager to scrape the bottom of the cinema barrel.)

2 Responses

  1. Come on the worst movie ever made has to be “The Stupids” with Tom Arnold. Not to say I do not love the movie, because I do (I am messed up that way) but it is way worse than “Asylum”. All those DTHM are horrible to pick this one as the top of the cinema crap heap, that is DTHM genre, is an injustice to all the other DTHM out there, Somewhere a copy of “Jeepers Creepers” weeps for some consideration.

  2. If calling “Asylum” the worst DTHM movie ever is an injustice to “all the other DTHM out there,” well, consider me your harbinger of injustice.

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