Paris and Todd? That’s not hot

I’ve been a fan of Todd Solendz — an indie filmmaker who aims for the funny bone and breaks every other one on the way in — since “Welcome to the Dollhouse,” possibly the darkest, most unrelentingly honest movie ever made about adolescent isolation. So imagine my elation when I heard a few stirrings and rustlings about his plans to make a “part sequel, part variation” to “Happiness.” (Haven’t seen it? Words won’t do it justice, so let’s call it a “hellishly funny dark comedy/ensemble drama” and leave it at that. Whatever I say won’t prepare you, trust me.) The cast includes Allison Janney and Paul “Peewee Herman” Reubens, both masters of the deadpan remark. My thrill level knows no bounds.

Then I discovered something that made my heart shrivel up: Paris Hilton is going to act in it (see http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/us_solondz).

No, you didn’t just have a seizure. (Or if you did, your eyes still work fine.) Paris Hilton, the epitome of everything that is wrong with the free world — no, THE ENTIRE WORLD — is part of the cast.

*Ducks under the desk to cry quietly but hysterically, then pretends to be cleaning up a box of paper clips that “accidentally spilled.”*

But, okay, I’m trying to be open-minded. Solendz is essentially a cinematic genius who’s not afraid to get in touch with his amoral side, so perhaps he has plans for Paris’ role.

I just hope it involves a gruesome, painful, prolonged torture scene with “Stars Are Blind” on repeat in the background.